The Journey ‘Home’
I AM NOT SAYING ‘MY’ PATH IS THE RIGHT WAY, AND ANOTHER IS WRONG. I am not saying that the ‘Yellow Brick Road’ was the wrong road, when in fact it was the road that took Dorothy to the realization that there was nothing outside herself. What I am saying, DO IT YOUR WAY! Listen to the Heart that is connected to the mind--the mind that is the SERVANT TO THE HEART, not the other way around.
So don't put words into my mouth by saying, "she said my way is wrong", I did not, nor will ever believe there is a wrong way, it just wasn't my way.
Each of us came with our own Divine Plan and that is only revealed from within. Yes, the outer world will supply the projections of the internal, but it is our job to be the witness and discern if the visual reminder is for the healing of the Shadow, or the direction for the Soul. When we search out there, we find the gap widens between ‘whom we came connected as’ and ‘what we think we need to do’ based on the shadow rules of a distorted society.
Religion has been a curse and a blessing… but mostly a curse, as religions are the most bloody warriors and separators of Human Beings from neighbor, Self and God. Many groups who claim they are not a religion, just ‘spiritual groups’, are the worst, as they are the trickery of the ‘spiritual-ego’ which is far more dangerously subtle. Why? A metaphor would be, if a man beats his wife or children and leaves visible wounds, society says, “GET OUT, leave him!” If a person is verbally abused, the scars are not seen and the wounds deepen as society says, ‘Get over it!’
The Spiritual ego is far more clever then the basic ego, as it keeps one running from one modality to another just to be ‘good enough’, ‘holy enough’, 'deserving enough’ (to be what one already was/is and trained not to be as a child)… like a dog chasing its tail—it gets you NOWHERE. Until one day you STOP! You stop chasing what is already a part of you, what already IS the ALLNESS of you. You are connected to the Divine, even closer than the dog to his tail, yet, how can the ego control us if we were to understand /remember that? It couldn’t. The refined Spiritual-ego keeps the illusion of separation in full swing. Every Religious and Spiritual group wants you to believe ‘their way is the right way’, their way is the ‘expressway to awakening, to God’… STOP! This is just another form of separation from the Oneness you are.
There is also another ego, the ego that actually serves the Divine Heart, and that is what gives us the strength to call out the unauthentic BS energy, and distorted ways of the world, and once again aligns us to listen closely to the True Self.
I once ‘hung out’ with God almost every night, in a state of joyous, sweet bliss and connectedness where I had no form, no boundaries between ‘me’ and ‘It’. An hour was discovered to be 3 or 4 as my eyes opened and found it to be 2 or 3 a.m. There was no-time in those states, and a sweet peace that allowed me to remember 'I'.
THEN, I made the mistake of sharing this deeply private experience with a ‘seer’ who read auric energy. I am not saying this person didn’t have that ability, he does, what I am saying is that I gave my power to another when he, who knew not my God within, said, “Bliss is a way to escape, you need to walk grounded in this world.” I began doubting myself, began trying to live my life differently than what had come naturally, and I began loosing that connection to Source as I tried to live my life his way-- now the ego was able to slip easily in once doubt was entertained.
I finally dropped this energy of another’s beliefs, and in the letting go, found myself within a timeless, questionless state of sweetness that lasted three days. It wasn’t until after it faded that I realized, that within that sweet contentment and connection to Source, I was given no answers to my million earthly questions that had previously plagued my mind, and that was because in that state there is only divine perfection—there is no need to ask questions, therefore no answers existed.
This experience, as it does for many that have also shared this knowing, created a search once again, to ‘get that state back. To live in it’s perfection always.’ Unfortunately, the more we seek, the further we get from what is innately ‘us’ in Source.
This experience happened on two different occasions, years apart, and the realization in each case was that it wasn’t until I had LET GO of a belief of how things were suppose to be determined by an outer world… and outer world of men, that these short 'awakenings into Oneness' took place.
The last experience of Oneness was a knowing that swept over me. I walked up the steps to my meditation room with a box, and carefully removed all spiritual figures from my alter and packed them away… every one of them. Slowly and methodically each piece was placed in the box with care and put in a closet.
That night, I awoke as if in a trance state, not unlike in the movie “Sleeping Beauty”, as she walks up the stairs to the spindle, and I too, was guided to the ‘room on the top’ where I pulled out a notebook and wrote a poem, "The Night of the 1/2 Moon". Actually, I did not write the poem, IT wrote through me as the ½ moon rose straight above me, and was a luminous witness though the skylight. (I will attach it at the end)
For three blessed days, I was once again joined in the remembering of who I was, who we 'all' are, and that ‘space’ was of non-duality. It was as if I had been a figure drawn on a blackboard, and someone erased the lines…infinite and boundless.
Instead of understanding that the ‘seeker’ can never find what it already is, once again, I put all the figures back, one by one over time, trying to regain that state of awareness as people shared with me all their spiritual guides.
Yes, I had regained my own deep conversations and no-time with my Source, but not that, yet again, desired Infinite Oneness, which I still hungered for. I wanted to live in that state always, not just once in a while, and I didn't understand the connection between those times of completed letting go and true surrender, from the heavy-lost energy of the 'search'.
The spiritual ego called once again, in the form of a spiritual group that claimed to have the 'expressway to God' but only IF I meditated their way, and IF I took their vows and were initiated into their rules of ‘how to meditate properly’. I tried, seriously tried, as I wanted to be a part of a community of ‘like-minded’ others. I really cared, and still do, about these lovely humans, but it was not my way, and the more I tried to live their beliefs, the further I got from my Divine Creator. It got to the point where my meditations were hollow, frustrating and pointless… I had lost my connection to that which was once a part of my daily world--a part of me, without the 'me'.
I was told to keep trying, that perhaps I wasn’t trying hard enough… and then I realized, I had once again entered a religion, a church with a zillion rules to ‘Enlightenment’, that I swore when I left the Catholic church as a child, I would never return to. The church that lied about God and the true message of Jesus, and as a child and adult, I was told directly by Jesus on several occasion of these false truths spoken in his name--I was outraged and crushed that this beautiful man's words could be so distorted, that his teachings could be used as a way to control others instead of free them as they were intended. Yes, you can say I lie, I do not care, I have stopped caring about what others believe or not, but I will say, everything is available to us when we understand that there is no separation, there is no-other, and that in my innocent Knowing as a child and young adult, Jesus would come to me in the night and share many Truths.
In one of those visions, he held out his hand and said, “Come, take my hand, walk beside me, you know longer need to follow me.” He wanted me to know that all were equals, he was my brother and dear friend, we were not meant to put anyone above or below ourselves, (in actuality, that is impossible) and the church had me believe I needed too walk behind him, when the church put him on a pedestal that he never asked for, nor wanted. He taught me about ‘equality’ and shared what had been omitted or altered from what he actually taught in his life time and since. There was no guilt, nor shame, nor judgment--only Self, reminding self of Truth, of love and oneness, that which it actually was, and had just forgotten.
The most interesting part about that experience, was that I realized I knew a dozen Beings that had ‘Awakened’ and none of them were a part of any of those ‘spiritual groups’, not one.
Yet, the power of this dense planet put me into whirlwinds of questioning myself far too often, to doubt my innate knowing of authentic energy, and what was not, looking to others for answers that could only be found within, and the miraculous projection of life though the eyes of God, not mankind or church.
I have taken every spiritual modality and training possible over the course of 40 years, and each time the ‘this is it’ was only a temporary fix… at some point, it was incomplete, rang of unauthentic limited knowing, and just another diversion away from SELF. It HAD TO BE--it had to keep sending me back into the Self.
There is no-where to go, no-where to lead others, because there is no other— out there, is only the illusion of separation.
My search has ended… my job is to show up within myself, my job is to play with Creation as Creation plays with me.
I was told by my shadow-ego that many ‘friends’ and people would not like this, and to say, I am not interested in what it has to say, for I knew it to be, the ego of the fearful mind that spoke, as that is the language of duality. That is the language that is used to keep us from the Oneness in which we already are.
There is only Love. Fear is just a shadow that covers Truth, it is the designer of the illusion, in hopes of keeping control, in hopes of conquering through division, through separation--and I, for one, will no longer let it rule my life.
Do not misunderstand, there is nothing wrong with spiritual groups or even a church, as I love the ancient energies of old churches, it is the giving away of ones power to IT, the model created mostly by men, that is demeaning to Oneness—it is buying into separation—separation is impossible, we cannot separate from that which is US, that which US, IS.
There is really no ‘us’, not even ‘I’, as those words also speak of separation… in which there is none.